Junk Food? How About Fun Food?

Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other, little Johnny asked what vitamins they had in them.

His father told him he doubted there were any at all.

Little Johnny replied, wide-eyed, “You mean these are just for fun?”

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Dear God

A little boy wanted $100.00
very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a
letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received
the letter to God , CANADA, they
decided to send it to the Prime Minister

The Prime Minister was so amused
that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The Prime Minister thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for
sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
OTTAWA, CAN and those assholes
deducted $95.00 in taxes.

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Well Endowed

A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location, in grade 3.

One day the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland, son”.

Next day, in “language”, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter “k” with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter “m”. That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland.

Next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well – endowed”. This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Newfoundland?”

“No, son,” explained Dad, “that’s because you’re 18!”

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Creation

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.
He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it EARTH and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.” God continued, pointing to different countries, “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God, “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There’s beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?”
God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.”

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What Do Canadians Have To Be Proud Of?

  1. Smarties

  2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp

  3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down.

  4. Baseball is Canadian

  5. Lacrosse is Canadian

  6. Hockey is Canadian

  7. Basketball is Canadian

  8. Apple pie is Canadian

  9. Mr. Dress-up  vs.  Mr. Rogers

  10. Tim Horton’s  vs.  Dunkin’ Donuts

  11. In the war of 1812, which was started by Americans, Canadians pushed

    the Americans WAY back….past the White House. Then we burned

    it….and most of Washington. All of this was done under the command

    of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We

    got bored because they ran away, so we came home and

    partied……….go figure!

  12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to

    Germany.

  13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or

    withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.

  14. Our civil war was only a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.

  15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American

    mercenary, who slept-in and missed the whole thing….but showed up

    just in time to get caught.

  16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

  17. The Hudson’s Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface

    and is still around as the worlds oldest company

  18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown American

    in under 3 minutes.

  19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

  20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.

  21. Kentucky Fried Chicken founder, Colonel Harland Saunders abandoned

    the USA and came North to retire in Canada (Mississauga, Ontario).

  22. We may say “eh” a lot but we know how to pronounce ROOF!!!

  23. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin,

    zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless

    lives each year.

  24. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell

    about it.

  25. BUT MOST IMPORTANT!……the handles on our beer cases are big enough

    to fit your hands with mitts on.

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Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……..The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male……..Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male……..Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female…….A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male………Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female……A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male……..Anything that can be done while drinking and ends with sex

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female……An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male……..A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female……The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male……..Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…….A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male………A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

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T.G.I.F.–Blond Joke

A blonde goes over to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

“Why are you wearing a Thank God it’s Friday tee-shirt on Monday?”

“Oh shit!” the blonde says, “I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.”

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